Today, I read news about a child who was bullied so severely in a private boarding school in Nigeria that he died from the injuries inflicted on him. First of all, my heart breaks from the excruciating pain he must have gone through while dealing with such cruelty, for the loss of his precious soul, and for the unimaginable grief that his loved ones are left with.
I’m so sorry… Sorry that this write up had to be triggered by something so extreme… sorry that we did not do enough in his lifetime to preserve his life, sorry that we are only now asking for justice that cannot come remotely close to repairing the loss, sorry that as a society we failed this one so badly.
And then here we are, left with making sure that we do not fail another as the grossly insufficient least we can do so we don’t get here again.
This story hit so close to home because I recently sent off my precious baby cousin to boarding school. As I thought about my own experiences when I faced the same terrain almost 20 years ago, I knew that I needed to do something to ensure that he was better prepared for the realities ahead than I was when I was in his shoes. Often times, I find that even good intentioned parents tend to leave kids to face the realities of life unprepared.
The age old “remember the child of whom you are” has always been a chorus for children leaving home, but I don’t remember any phrase that reminds the child about who they are or how to deal. Frankly, ‘the child of whom you are’ may not matter when you are faced with challenges that you have never met before. Rather than expect them to create action plans based on their remembrance of who their parents are, we can help our children figure out their own identity which would serve as a more solid grounding to power their actions.
We can do better by interacting with our children to know who they think they are, what they are going through, how they are coping and how we can help.
Remember the son of whom you are is no longer sufficient. I don’t think it has been for a long while now.
Ideally, this responsibility to prepare children for what is ahead should primarily be that of the parents, but I dare say that it lies with all of us who have children we love in our lives, beyond parents. Aunties, uncles, nannies, Sunday school teachers, everyone, we can be the village that children need to grow and thrive in this corrupt world.
One very basic way to help our kids cope is to seek to understand how they are feeling about what is ahead, and then ride on that to build their confidence and mental stamina for it. So, for every first – whether it is the first day at a new school, or sleepover, or games day or Math competition or whatever – we can be intentional about having conversations that serve this purpose. This is our opportunity to remind them of who they are drawing from the foundation we have built in them over the years. It is also a chance to give them an action plan in case of any eventualities.
I once read the story of a little girl who was going for a slumber party and was instructed by her mom to call if she was ever feeling uncomfortable no matter what time it was. This child happened to experience something that made her uncomfortable and took her mom up on the offer at a ridiculous time of the night much to the amazement of her hosts. And guess what, her mom kept her word and drove by to pick her up as she requested. While we cannot always ‘pick up’ our children from situations in that sense, helping them prepare a game plan for eventualities is important to ensure their safety especially when we cannot completely control the contexts where they are immersed.
Another simple way to help our kids navigate new territories is to listen to them. When we have them back from wherever it is that they go, we can create space for conversations that help them articulate and share their thoughts. This is important for their mental health as it helps them to process, and then it also increases the chances that we are let in on anything unusual. But first, we must have developed a culture of listening to them non-judgmentally for this to be effective.
I have learned to be very specific with these conversations. Questions like, “What part about your school do you like the most?”, “What parts do you hate?”, “What has been your most memorable experience so far?”, “What has been your most fun experience? Your worst experience?”, “Do you have friends?”, “Who are your best friends?” are far better than “How was school?” because they help the child think about exact scenarios.
They are also helpful to gain insight into experiences that may not have been shared otherwise, and so that we know what to follow up on in future conversations. We also know better how to pray for them because we are more familiar with their specific contexts.
Finally – this is unfortunately not a quick fix – we must intentionally invest in building the right foundations when the kids are with us, so they have something to draw from when they are away.
Imagine a child who has consistently been told that he is up to no good at home, and then you suddenly try to tell him that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you just because he’s going to school. Of course, he won’t believe you. And then trying out the first two would be harder because of the lack of trust and broken foundation.
Today and everyday is a good day to build up your child with positive ideas about themselves so that when they meet someone who tries to treat them as trash, they can recognize that it is abnormal and then speak up or walk away.
These are simple things that we can do to help our children fare better in the world, while also protecting them from unwanted experiences.
Of course, I should have words for the schools and their staff to whom we entrust these children, and for the parents of the kids who have become predators that we need to protect our children from. But that is story for another day. Today, in light of the huge loss we are mourning, I only have energy to speak about building the first line of defense which is our children themselves.
I pray that the soul of the departed rests in peace, that justice is served, and that his family finds the comfort that only God can give in the face of this unimaginable grief. And may we never have to talk about or deal with this type of tragedy ever again.
Amen.